3 Ways To Decrease Soul Clutter

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I saw it a minute ago. . . How did it just disappear? It’s got to be under all those papers. . . Where’d you put the mail? No, I didn’t read the email you sent a week ago. 

Do these questions sound familiar? If you’re like me, paper and cyber clutter have been consistent problems. They’re more than outward issues. What about the inside issues?

What is clutter?

Clutter is when important items get mixed up with junk. It’s not knowing the difference between the two. It’s distractions like these that keep us from living life effectively. Soul clutter keeps us from growing in our relationships with others, ourselves, and God.

From hoarding emails to hard copy books, it seems clutter can be a daily frustration. Books, motivational speakers, and methods are available to help the scattered brain become organized. It seems no one tells us how to declutter the deeper parts of ourselves. Our souls matter. We are motivated from deep-seated places we’re not aware of. 

We can imagine physical clutter being a tangible reminder of the soul clutter that’s part of our humanity. We have difficulty sorting out what’s junk and what’s important. Here are three ways to help decrease soul clutter.

  • Start the day slowly.

Imagine God saying to you, Wake up, my precious one. I want to show you that I love you. It’ OK to be still and listen to your soul. I’ll meet you there.

  • Create sacred space in your home.

At this season, my sacred space is outdoors on my side deck. Items that stimulate my five senses include: 

    • a cup of hot coffee in a special clay cup
    • a scented candle
    • my bible, prayer book, and journal
      • read or write as the Holy Spirit leads; even if it’s just one verse, or one sentence of writing
      • avoid an attitude of productivity
      • tune into being rather than doing

  • Breathe deeply

Attunement to the physical body helps awareness of the invisible. Our souls can’t be acknowledged other than through the Holy Spirit’s leading.

    • be still. . . if only for five minutes
    • listen
      • for nature sounds if you’re outside
      • for indoor sounds if you’re inside; like the hum of a refrigerator or the ticking of a clock
      • breathe in God’s love for you. . . breathe out distractions. . . breathe in oxygen. . .breathe out body tension. . . breathe in truth of your belovedness to God. . .breathe out negative self talk.

When daily space of openness to God becomes a pattern, the soul clutter decreases. More space for awareness of God, others, and self brings clarity in the chaos of the daily grind. 

Questions to Ponder

  1. How have you managed the clutter in your life?
  2. What techniques have worked for you to have clarity?
  3. What does soul clutter mean to you?

Intentional Well-Being

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School-aged children have much to teach us adults about ways to be intentional! Whether traditional schooling or home-schooling, there seems to be motivation in the air for growth, new routines, and change.

Comfortable Routines and Plateaus

After our formal schooling, many of us get in comfortable routines and plateaus in life. We forget the excitement, the tension, and the uncertainty of learning new things. The less intentional adults become about learning, the less dopamine and other pleasure chemicals are produced in the brain. Motivation toward change and growth decreases.

I’m inspired from the teaching I’ve received from renowned neuropsychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. The surge of neuro-chemicals, especially in the adolescent years of life, make creativity, social engagement, and novelty more pronounced. Since these same chemicals begin decreasing from ages twenty-five on, it requires intentionality to increase brain activity through learning new skills and experiencing new activities.

Brain Chemicals and Behavior Patterns  

My awareness of God’s design of the developing brain throughout our lives drives me to be intentional in my own growth. Awareness exposes the problem and brings solutions into focus, whereas intentionality is the action plan.

I’ve also noticed that many clients walk through the doors of my counseling office, sign up, participate in a series of sessions, and make remarkable progress. Their lives are changed and their relationships move toward health and well-being. Others don’t.

For some, intentionality toward change is a natural and practiced way of living. For others, it’s easily forgotten or avoided.

Neurochemicals are among many other things that decrease with age. Just as we need intentional exercise and nutrition, we need to be more intentional about our mental and emotional growth. Beyond our formal schooling, we need intentional mind-challenging and experiential activities.

With each new thing we learn, we can now think of what neuroscientists call neuroplasticity; new growth in the brain.

The difference is intentionality.

New Year’s resolutions are examples of intentions. Plans, strategies, ideas, goals, objectives, and desires are prerequisites to any change. Accountability groups, to do lists, charts, and written goals are great ways to make personal changes.

Teachers use incentive charts for classroom discipline and motivation. Some parents condition their children to do daily jobs with a chore chart and stickers. Therapists may help a client track their medication and moods by using a mood chart for a period of time to measure effectiveness of treatment.

Whether it’s exercising, being more organized, eating healthier, or managing time, many of us are intentional about changing for the better.

Be intentional. . . make a plan. . . allow school children to show us how.

Questions to Ponder

How have you been motivated within the last couple weeks?

What new things are you learning?

What ways have you been intentional?

Attitude Relationship Traps # 5

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. . . And How to Avoid Them

# 5 Attitude of Being the Victim

Years ago, getting my four children up and ready for school was a daily stressor. Sleeping until the last minute added to the pressure and chaos. In some cases I pulled out a bag of frozen marbles from the freezer. On the count of three, those marbles were released in the warm comfortable beds of my young ones along with a jolt of adrenaline and anger. It got them up! At least we got moving.

More often than not, we’d rush out of the house forgetting something. It wasn’t unusual to  get a call, “Mom, I forgot my lunch” or “I need you to bring my homework.”

Motivated by self blame and guilt for my impatience, the family fell into familiar relationship patterns. I took them their lunches, or their forgotten homework.

I eventually forgave myself for being an imperfect parent. I grew out of guilt-ridden motivation to cover for them. Since those days they’ve all grown to be responsible adults with children of their own. The “Mom-I-forgot-my-lunch” mentality has long passed from our relationships.

“Guilty-parent” Role Breeds Victim Attitudes 

Some don’t grow out of this relationship template with their children. Over-giving to one’s offspring to compensate for guilt breeds victim attitudes. They become familiar patterns affecting future relationships.

Those with victim attitudes are attracted to partners who are overly empathic and have difficulty saying, “no.” They seek out others who will take the blame and cover for them. In a marriage, one takes the role of “guilty parent” while the other personifies the victim role. Taken to an extreme, the victim mentality contributes to destroying the relationship.

Those caught up in the victim mentality have difficulty seeing their personal need for self growth. They continue to blame others for their own forgetfulness, misfortunes, or poor judgement. The relationship keeps the victim from facing reality. It keeps the overly sensitive partner in a state of self-blame. Common accusatory phrases sound like:

  • “It’s all your fault”
  • “You make me so mad.”
  • “If it were’t for you, I’d . . . “
  • “You’ve ruined my life.”

Grow Toward Honoring Resiliency of Others

God designed for us all to grow beyond our adolescent ways of thinking and relating. We are each responsible for our own decisions, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Beyond normal child-rearing stages of life, none of us are designed to take on obligations that rightfully belong to the other.

In my years of mothering four children, I’m learning to trust in their resiliency and growth. We are designed for struggle and facing our own consequences as adults. Neither we, nor our children, nor our spouses are perfect. Embracing our imperfections as a gift from God sets the stage for acceptance, love, forgiveness, and responsibility.

I’m reminded of I Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

As a review, we’ve covered five attitude traps that contribute to destroying relationships:

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
  4. Attitude of control – replace with otherness
  5. Attitude of being the victim – replace with responsibility

Questions to Ponder

  1. Do I recognize the guilty-parent pattern in my adult relationships?
  2. Am I quick to hold grudges rather than face consequences and learning opportunities?
  3. What step am I willing to take for nurturing my current relationships?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attitude Relationship Traps #4

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. . . . And How to Avoid Them.

Leadership Attributes vs. Control Tendencies

Some who naturally have strong leadership skills also have difficulty with control issues within their own families. For others who are people pleasers, it’s easy to be “victims” of control. The power/control pattern out of balance is damaging in the long-run.

Recently, I didn’t think twice to do exactly what my mom told me to do as I was driving both of us to an event. Although, I would have chosen the highway for efficiency and directness, she told me to go the back way. I did what she said. We found ourselves inching along in heavy traffic.

I finally asked, “why did you want me to go this route?”

She said, “because I don’t like driving on the highway.”

“Oh,” I said.

I then realized, I’m the driver! She’s the passenger! She wanted me to go the back way because she didn’t like driving on the highway.

When I pointed that out, we both started laughing. As her grown daughter, I automatically took her orders unquestioningly! The reason it was so funny is because she experiences the same thing with her mom: takes her orders unquestioningly. . . until she figures it out a moment later.

I’ve been accused of coming from a family of matriarchs, meaning we have strong leadership among the women. I saw it in my great grandmother who led Adult Bible studies in her church at a time when women weren’t supposed to teach men!

Power/Control Patterns

The damaging part of control is when the people-pleaser of the pair develops self-doubt, worry, fear, and insecurity. The controller of the pair gets stuck in an illusion of power and false security. The relationship is not reciprocal or equal.

In my work with couples I’ve seen another side of the pattern. Controllers marry people-pleasers. If neither one recognizes it, one or both partners loose their sense of self while the other remains stuck in the illusion.

I’m glad my mom and I both recognized this dynamic. I told her I’m going to be assertive and go the way I want next time! We belly-laughed over it because it was so familiar!

We were able to respect the otherness of the other.

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
  4. Attitude of control – replace with otherness
  5. Attitude of being the victim

Questions to Ponder

  1. What do you identify with in this article?
  2. What power/control patterns have you inherited?
  3. What does “otherness of the other” mean to you?

 

 

Attitude Relationship Traps # 3

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. . . And How To Avoid Them

Disregard 

Most of us have known what it’s like to wait in line at the customer service counter and be ignored by the retail worker. Even if she or he was busy putting boxes away, or changing out cash drawers, or taking inventory, we at least wanted a glance of acknowledgement in our direction with a courteous,”I’ll-be-right-with-you-in-a-moment.”

We may have known what it’s like to sit in a restaurant and be forgotten. Other patrons who came in after us had ordered and been served their meals.  We felt invisible. We were disregarded.

Such encounters are minor irritations that cause inconveniences. Yet, when an attitude of disregard characterizes a significant relationship, it’s not so minor.

In our significant relationships, we get into patterns of familiarity. I call it a dance. Perhaps we get used to being disregarded. Or we are not aware of disregarding the other. Over time, the dance pattern tears down the dignity of the relationship.

Most attitudes of disregard begins in childhood. For some, we were groomed to believe children are to be seen and not heard. The generational pattern gets repeated in our childrearing attitudes.

In parenting, disregard sounds like this. . .

  • “Do what I say, just because I said so” without regard to the child’s internal or external experiences.
  • “Tell your brother you’re sorry” without taking time to understand the child’s perspective.

In marriage, disregard may look like this. . .

  • Complaining about a meal the other prepared
  • Focusing on the spouse’s flaws
  • Saying sarcastic statements at the other’s expense
  • Trying to fix the spouse’s problem rather than listening
  • Avoiding eye contact

In leadership ministry or business, disregard may look like this . . .

  • Not returning phone calls or emails
  • Having unrealistic expectations of employees or workers
  • Refusing to hear concerns or ideas of others

Whether a child, or spouse, or employee, each person is worthy. Each one deserves to be listened to, and regarded as significant.

Ongoing disregard of another’s point of view, their beliefs, their feelings, and their experiences damages relationships. All of us long to be heard, seen, understood, and valued.

As patrons, we desire prompt service. How much more our significant relationships need continual nurturing of honor and respect!

May we pay attention to the traps that destroy relationships and seek to honor others. Next week we’ll cover the attitude of control.

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
  4. Attitude of control
  5. Attitude of being the victim

Questions to Ponder

  1. Do I consider my own perspective limited?
  2. How do I strive to be curious rather than judgemental?
  3. How do I honor others?