How To Overturn Toxic Marital Patterns

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I’ve never met a grandparent who doesn’t have a huge smile when talking about their newborn grandchild. My newest is now two months old. We look into each other’s eyes. I give her my undivided attention and she smiles with her whole body.

Little ones remind us of our basic human relationship needs:

  • to love and be loved
  • to give and receive
  • to get attention

It’s easy to be aware of the relationship needs of our children and grandchildren. It’s challenging to see our spouse with the same needs.

Dr. John Gottman termed “stonewalling” as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that predicts emotional and/or physical divorce. It does the opposite of meeting basic needs of our humanity.  

It’s generally husbands who stonewall their wives. I’ve also seen couples where wife stonewalls husband.

Stonewalling is when one spouse doesn’t respond to the other.

It’s like talking to a stone wall. Marital stonewalling not only damages the relationship, but also damages the physical health of the individual.  When a wife is stonewalled by her husband, her blood pressure rises and heart rate increases. Husbands who are stonewalled by their wives generally don’t have the same physical reactions.

Example # 1:

Wife walks in the door with plastic bags full of groceries. “Hi honey. Would you help me bring in the rest of the groceries?” Husband keeps watching the football game on TV as if she wasn’t there. He pretends he doesn’t hear her.

Example # 2:

Wife nags husband for the unfinished bathroom project. She runs out to the driveway while he is packing golf clubs in the trunk – something he’s looked forward to on his day off.  She’s left to deal crying baby, dirty diapers and a dysfunctional toilet. He drives away. Her blood pressure rises.

Some who stonewall don’t mean to. They may be thinking about how to respond. Others have learned to stonewall to protect themselves from perceived attacks. They’ve done it all their lives.

Stonewallers go into their turtle shells to escape their overly dramatic spouses. One spouse takes the role of tiger and roars loud while the other takes the role of turtle and hides.

Neither husband or wife are aware they invite the responses they get.

The Still Face Experiment shows us how damaging stonewalling is to our basic needs. Edward Tronick, Ph.D. demonstrates infant/parent interaction studies with this three minute video. It shows a one year-old and her mom smiling and interacting with each other. For only a few seconds mother turns away and stonewalls her child. The child becomes distressed and cries. Of course, mother ends the experiment with comfort and empathy toward her baby.

We all need emotional connection from our spouse and those we’re close to.

The Angel of Acceptance – Reflective Listening includes:

  • Direct and loving eye contact
  • Acknowledging the others’ presence
  • Verbal Communication
  • Loving touches

As a review we’ve covered the first three of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – predictors of emotional or physical divorce -Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The first three of the four Angels of Acceptance include Praise, Openness, and Reflective listening.

Questions to Ponder:

Do you identify yourself as a turtle or tiger?

Choose one of the four reflective listening ideas. Comment on what you will do between now and next week.

What has worked in your relationship to invite loving responses?

How To Reverse Toxic Marital Patterns

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Just add hot water” it says on the package of the strawberries and cream instant oatmeal. When I need to get out the door and want a quick breakfast, it’s there, ready and fills my hunger.

When it comes to hunger in relationships, “just add hot water” will do the opposite.

It’s instant. A certain look can trigger it. Add a negative attitude. Mix in a critical remark and bam!

In the previous post we identified criticism as the first of four horsemen. Now, we look at defensiveness.

Spouse reacts to critical remark. “I can’t believe you said that. I’ve worked hard all week. I’m the one who takes the kids to soccer practice. You can do your own wash. . .”

Blood pressure rises, face gets stern, volume increases, and voice intensifies.

Horseman # 2 Defensiveness 

We all do it in some form or another. We react to criticism.  The fight, flight, or freeze part of the brain kicks in. In an instant, we react with defensiveness which can be verbal or not. Intimidating looks do the trick.  

  • We expect to be heard and understood.
  • We expect to be appreciated.
  • We expect to live in a world that’s right and fair.
  • We expect marriage to be 50/50.

There are differences between occasional irritations with a spouse and chronic emotional abuse.

For now, let’s address the minor of the two, although be aware that verbal, mental and emotional abuse grows out of the four Horsemen’s recurring presence.

Angel of Acceptance # 2 – Openness

Although the first two horsemen  (Criticism and Defensiveness) are instant intruders, the Angel of Acceptance (Openness) is gentle and slow.

Every one of us live in our own experiences and perspectives. Marital growth depends on our ability to understand the perspective of another.  

When we expect our spouses to have divine qualities, and they show up as humans with flaws, we’re faced with our own illusions.

It may sound simplistic, but they can’t read our minds. Nor do they respond how we need for them to. And they get tired, and hungry. They may or may not have developed the coping skills we expect. We focus on their negative traits.

Openness will drive the Horseman of Defensiveness away. He’ll have no reason to stick around.  Openness is willing to take in several deep breaths and slow down. 

Openness will reflect on statements like:

  • This criticism is not about me.
  • My spouse is a human being, not God.
  • How can I grow through this experience?
  • How can I communicate my needs graciously?

In the next post I’ll address the third of the Four Horsemen and Angel of Acceptance. For now, join the conversation.

Questions to Ponder

Which of the above statements would you like to focus on?

How have you grown toward openness in your marriage?

How would taking deep breaths and slowing down be helpful in your relationships?

How To Change Toxic Marital Patterns

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It’s those magical “ah ha” moments that make marital therapy a highlight in my counseling practice. Most come in with intense conflict, discouragement, or crisis. Then the moment of truth emerges.

I’ve had some “ah ha” moments of my own.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman call it the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse – identifying what results in physical or emotional divorce. Their 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples revealed some “ah ha” moments for me. It all made sense.

The four horsemen are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. I could now help couples recognize and minimize the secret killers. On the other hand, I’ve termed the life-giving antidotes The Four Angels of Acceptance.   

We’ll cover each of the four horsemen in the next four posts. We’ll get to know what each of the Four Angels of Acceptance are and how to be intentional about them.  

Horseman  # 1 – Criticism

For some, criticism and negative thinking is a deeply ingrained character trait. We may not recognize when we do it. Those of us with “fix it” mentalities, look for ways to point out what another could do to improve. Criticism is magnifying the negative and disregarding the positive.

Critical remarks are usually judgmental “You” or “Master Talk” statements. It’s more than a minor complaint such as: “Our house is such a mess. We need to spend time to clean today.”

Criticism sounds more like: 

  • “Our house is such a mess. You’re too lazy to clean it up.”
  • “You’re ideas are ridiculous. You don’t have a clue.”
  • “You don’t care about me; all you care about is yourself.”

Criticism attacks the character of a spouse. Criticism puts the criticizer in a position of being judge and jury against the spouse.

Angel of Acceptance # 1 – Vulnerability and Praise

The Angel of Acceptance thrives on living in reality. It means having a realistic view of self and spouse. It’s the ability to know one’s own worthiness of love, and see one’s spouse as a gift from God.

When conflict happens, (and it always does), Vulnerability may sound like this:

  • “Clutter makes me anxious. What can I do to partner with you to clean up?”
  • “I don’t quite get your reasoning, but help me understand.”
  • “My opinion is not gospel truth. I’m curious about how you’re experiencing me.”

Praise requires looking for positives in the other. It’s being open to growth. It’s recognizing our own blind spots. Its the ability to compliment the positive character traits of your spouse. Examples look like:

  • “I’d love a clean house, but I really appreciate how care for our children.” 
  • “I appreciate our differences. You help me think beyond my own perspective.” 
  • “I’m thankful that you help me be more aware of myself and how I come across to you.”

In the next post I’ll address the second of the Four Horsemen and Angel of Acceptance. For now, join the conversation.

Questions to Ponder

How have you praised your spouse lately?

How open are you to your own growth in your marriage?

Relationships – Close vs. Intimate

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We’re designed for relationship. We all long to be loved unconditionally by another human being. Yet we balk at being known. It’s too risky. We wear masks that hide our vulnerability. Or we’ve been authentic in the past and it wasn’t worth it.

Whether you’re single, never married, or widowed or divorced it’s important to know the difference between close and intimate. Knowing the difference may break cycles of multiple relationships or loneliness. It may encourage the stagnant marriage to begin a pathway toward vibrancy and growth.

Close is cuddling up on the couch with your loved one watching a Netflix movie and eating a bowl of buttered popcorn. Both individuals are watching the same scenes on the screen. It doesn’t take effort. It’s easy and comfortable.

Close is enjoying time on vacation together. Whether it’s a cruise or a camping trip, close is having fun during a shared activity.

Who doesn’t want to be comfortable?

  • Close may be the silence between two lovers.
  • Close may be the predictability of routines.
  • Close may be finishing the sentences of another.
  • Close may be knowing what the other wants on their pizza. 

On the other hand, intimacy is the risk of rejection for the sake of being real.

When a wife tells her husband she’s attracted to a male co-worker, she’s being vulnerable. The potential for teamwork to protect the marriage also bears risk of rejection or insecurity. It may escalate judgement, arguments, misunderstanding or resentment. Even though she chooses integrity, he may reject her vulnerability. Comfort morphs into tension. 

When her husband welcomes her internal struggles, their union is strengthened. Honesty breaks the power of the secret. Trustworthiness increases. The marriage grows a stronger bond. Intimacy invites partnership between the two. Unconditional love is fertilized through intimacy. 

Intimacy in dating is seeing the other person as worthy of dignity and respect. It’s considering her otherness. It’s resisting the attitude of “what can my girlfriend do for me” to “how can I honor her?” It’s choosing to nurture a friendship before a romance. It’s willingness to grow through relationship.

Other examples apply. Intimacy requires both in the relationship to choose authenticity. One may pave the way for the other, but both are willing. Reciprocity is key.

Intimacy is not sex?

  • Intimacy is leaning into love when you’d rather run away.  
  • Intimacy may be the confession of a shameful past to allow the other to forgive.
  • Intimacy is choosing to forgive.
  • Intimacy is saying, “I’m sorry” when it’s heart-felt; not just to please the other.
  • Intimacy is letting go of bitterness, resentment, or cynicism.
  • Intimacy risks comfort, yet chooses to live in truth. Those who live truthfully with themselves attract others who do the same.

May we enjoy the comfort of our connection with others. May we be open to intimacy in our families and those God brings into our lives.

Questions to Ponder

How are your relationships close? 

What does “intimacy” trigger in you?

What does “vulnerability” or “being authentic” mean to you?

 

 

 

# 1 Killer of Emotional Safety

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Most of us don’t even know it when we’re doing it. We do it often. Then we can’t understand how the other person gets so reactive to what we just said.

We end up thinking or saying things like,  

       I can’t even share how I feel. . . 

              I’ll just keep my mouth shut next time. . . 

                     There’s no use in trying to talk.

We walk away disconnected, or discouraged, or outright angry.  

When in personal conversation with another, the number one killer of emotional safety is Master Talk.

Master talk is a term I learned through my certification training as an Imago Therapist. Any statements that start with “You. . . ” are usually Master Talk statements. 

Here are types of Master Talk and their examples. Notice the “You” statements.

  • Defining another person’s character negatively.

Example: You’re just being selfish. You’re too lazy to put the dishes away.

  • Judging another’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Example: You think you have to explain yourself because your parents didn’t listen to you.  

  • Judging another’s motives and intentions.

Example: You don’t care. All you want to do is watch TV. You don’t understand.

  • General bias spoken as gospel truth.

Example: All men are disconnected from their emotions. All women are controlling. Everyone has resentment. All church-goers are hypocrits.

The reality is that we have interpretations and stories in our minds about others we’re in relationship with. . . or others in general. Does anyone but God know the reason another person does or says what they do? 

A way to avoid Master Talk is to speak from our own experiences. Here’s some examples of emotionally safe phrases: 

  • How I’m experiencing you is . . . (taking ownership of your experience)

  • A story I have in my mind about you is. . .  (not claiming it to be universal truth)

  • I may be wrong, but I have a theory about you. . . (willingness to be wrong)

May we strive to recognize and avoid Master Talk and seek to make our relationships emotionally safe.

Ephesians 4:35 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Questions to Ponder

  1. Which Master Talk statements do you hear most often?
  2. Which “emotionally safe phrase” will you focus on using?
  3. What does “emotionally safe” mean to you?