Confessions of a Therapist

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On the outside, it may look like New Year’s resolutions have gone by the wayside.

My last article on “Sacred Interruptions” seem like Christmas decorations still hanging around. Here’s the first of other confessions. We do have our stuff put away! 

Energies have gone into preparations for my new business. The last two months could easily have been spread out an entire year.

I’ve moved from the shady comfort of group private practice at Elbow Tree Christian Counseling. After  nearly a decade, I’m now on my own as JudyCounselor. Multiple emotions have accompanied my new private practice journey.

Confessions: Uncertainty, fear, excitement, energy, grief, sadness, disappointment, determination, and anticipation are just a few I can name.

Here are my “Confessions of a Therapist” to pave the way for clarity as I make huge changes.

  • I’m owning a forgotten entrepreneurial spirit that’s been dormant for years. Still passionate about the counseling I do, I’m energized to move beyond the four walls of my office. 
  • I love to write even though I have gobs of insecurity and writer’s block from time to time. Affirmations from readers fuel my energy. 
  • I’ve adopted Dr. Brene Brown as my official cheerleader. Her book, Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead, is my mantra. My history of daring greatly has been packaged through Scripture  and points of spiritual risk-taking. Brene’s message is packaged with psychological research on vulnerability and shame. She makes sense of what whole-hearted living is about. I call it the abundant life Christ died to give!
  • Major changes for me come about every decade. From teaching piano lessons in my home, to selling Avon, to home-schooling my four young children, to volunteer work at our local pregnancy center, to pursuing professional development, I seem to shift every 10 years. My perspective changes, and I grow along the way.

I’m thankful for being in this grandparent stage of life. I see patterns and cycles that never made sense to me like they do now. I’ve been blessed beyond what I deserve! I’m more than thankful for those who have entrusted their lives with me in the sacred space of my counseling office.

My new practice includes personal development counseling and consulting for leaders: parents, clergy, therapists, medical professionals, volunteers, and influencers. Creating Dignity in Relationship, a Life by Design sums up my mission statement. May you dare greatly as you move into the New Year.

Questions to Ponder

  1. What gift has been dormant in you that’s waiting to be recognized?
  2. What decision or affirmation do you need to move toward a whole-hearted life?
  3. How has your perspective changed from the past?

Sacred Interruptions

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Life is full of interruptions. Our well-planned agendas can be suddenly altered. We all experience it. And how we deal with it is what matters. Their meanings alter our values and life decisions.

Interruptions from the Past

As a mom of four young children, I longed for an oasis of peace during times of frustration and exhaustion. One memorable morning, I got up early to read Scripture, write in my prayer journal, and be alone with the Lord. I was quiet and settled in my rocking chair with a cup of hot tea.

Ready to take my first sip of sacred time, the pitter patter of little feet ran down the hallway. My openness turned into irritation in a matter of seconds. My annoyance was about to spill over to my two year-old. I was tempted to scold him back to bed. It was still dark. He needed his sleep. And I needed my quiet.

I looked down at him. His platinum blonde hair reflected the innocence glowing around him. My heart softened. The moment stood still. Looking into his eyes were mirrors to my soul reflecting love. . . invitation. . . connection. . . awareness.

Looking into his eyes were mirrors to my soul reflecting love. . . invitation. . . connection. . . awareness. Share on X

The Spirit of God spoke to me in an almost audible voice saying, Judy, this is my little bit of heaven for you. I’m meeting you here now. Here is my gift to you.

That moment became sacred. How much more clear could God be? My cup of tea and my Bible, and my journal, and my agenda were no longer important.

I cuddled my little boy and told him, You’re my little bit of heaven, my son. He climbed up on my lap, his warm little body molded to mine. I rocked and sang praise songs with tears rolling down my face.

Interruptions in the Present

Here I am, many years later. Looking for the “Little Bit of Heaven” in the interruptions. Christmas seasons are sacred. It wasn’t that long ago that I stressed about the tree not being decorated. Or I waited too long to write & send Christmas cards.

It’s okay to feel a roller coaster of emotions at times. Memories that ornaments hold can trigger grief or loss. But the invitation here is to allow our emotions to be temporary messengers to our soul. Let them come. Let them go. 

But the invitation here is to allow our emotions to be temporary messengers to our soul. Let them come. Let them go. Share on X

How to welcome meaning in the interruptions:

  1. Slow down
  2. Stay in the moment
  3. Do the next right thing
  4. Look for “Little bits of heaven” in the midst. They usually show up in unexpected ways.

If I made a different choice on that day years ago, I may have scolded my “interruption” back to bed. Then I’d have continued sipping on my hot tea. My justifying may sound like this: “I’m exhausted. I deserve this alone time. I’m determined to make it happen no matter what.”

With my agenda? The day would have become forgotten along with other insignificant history.

Instead, that moment became transcendent. It holds deep meaning now.

Questions to Ponder

What are your interruptions during this Christmas season?

What meanings do you have from interruptions from the past?

How can you be intentional to slow down and stay in the moment?

5 Ways To Overcome Thanksgiving Blues

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“If I could just skip the next two months and go right to January, then I wouldn’t have to . . .”

  • Pretend to be happy,
  • Feel sorry for an isolated family member,
  • Be reminded of the divorce,
  • Put up with being criticized

Gathering for Thanksgiving dinner isn’t easy for many families. The anticipation can be stressful. We’re uncomfortable with reminders of loss. Divorce, death, or manipulative relationships can make the tradition of gratitude difficult for some and unbearable for others.

Here’s five things you can do to look forward to gathering with otherwise challenging family situations.

  • Take deep belly breaths

Slow breathing helps calm reactivity. Ninety seconds is all it takes for the fight/flight/freeze area of the brain to catch up with the rational part. If someone says a mean or hurtful comment, pause and slow down. Silence speaks volumes.

Most people unintentionally harm others because of their own unhealed emotional wounds. Be open to understand how you may have unintentionally triggered such comments. Slowing down helps figure that out. Journal writing later is helpful to process hurtful situations.

  • Smile

Our brains have mirror neurons that aid our social connections. When we interact with another, we mirror their gestures, tone, body posture, and behaviors. And they mirror us. We smile back when they smile at us. A smile has the power to disarm another’s frown.

Some of us were born smiling while others naturally have hard faces. A person who looks grumpy might really be concentrating. Be aware of how your face appears to others. Practice smiling around those who frown. See if their frown softens with your smile.

  • Embrace change

We are meant to grow and change throughout our lives. People, relationships, and circumstances are changing continually. Welcome the reality that things will never be the same. They’re not suppose to be. It’s part of our humanity to grieve the loss of a loved one and celebrate the birth of new life. Take time for thorough grief and allow newness, change, and growth.

  • Realized what is and isn’t yours to own

Do you find yourself fighting another person’s emotional battles? Do you feel their loneliness, anxiety, or uncomfortableness? Do they solicit your empathy and expect you to feel sorry for them? Do they take on the victim role?

Your emotions are yours alone. All of us are responsible for our own resilience, emotions, and decisions. Refuse to be “savior” to another who plays the victim. Some are masters at bringing attention to themselves expecting others to feel sorry for them.

  • Stay in the present moment

This could be the single most empowering advice for us all. Hyper focus on the unfinished business of the past or continuous worry of the future steals away the only time we have in the moment.

Imagine yourself standing still in the middle of a stream. You’re aware of the past like the water flowing toward you from upstream. You’re aware of the future like water flowing beyond you downstream. You feel the cool stream flow around you. Yet, you’re standing still in the present moment.

Meanings and Intensity

Screen time with the NFL on Thanksgiving day can be an easy avoidant strategy. A Turkey Run or time volunteering at a homeless shelter may be a solution for those in more difficult situations.

We all hold different meanings to our shared familiar history. Relationship patterns are predictable. Be intentional to practice the five ways to overcome Thanksgiving blues. Practice daily as you breathe deeply, smile, change, let go of others’ battles, and live in the present moment.

Questions to Ponder

Which of these five ways are most helpful to you?

What ideas can you add to the list?

 

 

How To Be A Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul

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Those of us who travel by plane are used to the flight attendant’s safety instructions. “If there’s a loss of cabin pressure, the panels above your seat will open, and oxygen masks will drop down. . . Be sure to adjust your own mask before helping others.”

Helping others before adjusting our own mask may result in passing out. We can’t help anyone. 

We need to take that same advice for our relationships. Adjust our own soul needs before attempting to help another.

Relationships can be like a pressurized cabin. 

They are not so even-keeled. We experience turbulence and high altitudes. Storms and fair weather affect our differences. Our ears pop. The ride gets rough. We’re required to stay in our seats with seatbelt securely fastened at times. 

Early on, our differences are exciting, novel, and energizing. Later in the relationship, they can become outright annoying. Rather than appreciating differences, they can escalate into major conflict. They can expose the soul storms of the relationship.

Many Christian couples vow, “The two of us are one.”

It doesn’t take long to realize one or both are saying, “Yes, and I’m the one.”  In a patriarchal marriage, bride may say, “He’s the one.” As years go by, both lose opportunity to develop their character. She becomes invisible. He’s caught up in self illusions. Neither has insights into their own souls.

Neither one attempts to adjust their own oxygen mask. They’re too busy trying to help the other. They become bitter, resentful, angry and resistant. Their world gets smaller. They’re stuck. Or they pass out.

Being a soulmate without losing your soul requires plenty of pressurized reality.

  • It takes two to be married. It takes two to be in relationship.  
  • Conflict is necessary for personal and relationship awareness.
  • You cannot change your partner, but you can change yourself.

Here’s ideas on how to adjust our own soul masks.

  1. Do breathe deeply when you feel reactive. Be curious about what’s going on inside of you. Slowing down physiologically helps give clarity to ask yourself, “What’s unfinished in my life that I need now?”
  2. To increase self-awareness, reflect on this question: “How is my spouse experiencing me?”
  3. See your spouse as a gift from God for your own character growth. Be willing to accept your spouses’ issues as helping you be patient or understanding.
  4. Nurture affirming friendships that can be energizing and supportive. Personal or marital isolation is an enemy to awareness and growth.
  5. Seek counsel way before patterns of bitterness set in.

Transitions such as raising children, career development, loss, and core differences contribute to the turbulence of life. The cabin pressure of your marriage will change. Those oxygen masks will drop. Always adjust yours first.

Questions to Ponder

What ideas would you add to the list of soul care?

How have differences in your marriage grown your character?

4 Ways to Make Your Marriage Work

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Nurturing marriage can be compared to the upkeep of a home. For example, mold on the bathroom floor left untreated will eventually consume the entire house. I know a family who lost all their possessions and risked their health due to mold in their rented home. They had to move.

Of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse we’ve already covered –

  • criticism
  • defensiveness
  • stonewalling

This next one is the most toxic of all.

Dr. John Gottman names this horseman, contempt. Contempt attacks the good will of the other. It’s a continual attitude of opposition. It holds onto resentment as if it’s driftwood in an ocean storm. It’s buying into the illusion that your partner is your enemy. It’s experiencing your marriage as a battlefield.

Grudge-holding takes on a life of it’s own. Like a horse with blinders the narrow view of negativity blocks the positive qualities of the spouse.

Contempt is not only the biggest destroyer of marriage, it destroys one’s own soul.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. . .

Here’s what contempt looks like:

  • Cynical comments
  • Cruel jokes about spouse
  • Sarcasm
  • Name-calling
  • Eye rolling
  • Sneering

Angel of Acceptance is Forgiveness.

The second half of John 10:10 gives clarity to Christ’s purpose to give us a full and abundant life. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

There’s nothing in our humanity that makes us more like Christ than when we forgive our spouse.

 

A clean heart and continual attitude of forgiveness is the pathway to a full life and to connection in marriage. It’s recognizing our own need for God’s grace so we can give it away to our spouse.

Forgiveness is the only antidote to contempt. A marriage cannot survive without forgiveness.

 

Here’s what mental thoughts of forgiveness might be: 

  • I’m willing to see you as a person of dignity and worth.
  • I’m willing to examine my own heart when we have conflict.
  • I consider you a gift from God.
  • I cannot grow my character without you by my side.
  • I’m in need of God’s forgiveness and am willing to receive it and give it freely.

What are the four ways to make your marriage work?

  1. Replace criticism with vulnerability and empathy
  2. Replace defensiveness with openness
  3. Replace stonewalling with listening
  4. Replace contempt with forgiveness

There are many products on the market to remove mold from your bathroom. Acknowledge resources to remove the contempt from your marriage. 

Questions to Ponder

In what ways have you experienced forgiveness from your spouse?

How have you granted forgiveness?

How does contempt show up in your relationship?