“If I could just skip the next two months and go right to January, then I wouldn’t have to . . .”

• Pretend to be happy,
• Feel sorry for an isolated family member,
• Be reminded of the divorce,
• Put up with being criticized

Gathering for Thanksgiving dinner isn’t easy for many families. The anticipation can be stressful. We’re uncomfortable with reminders of loss. Divorce, death, or manipulative relationships can make the tradition of gratitude difficult for some and unbearable for others.

Here’s five things you can do to look forward to gathering with otherwise challenging family situations.

• Take deep belly breaths

Slow breathing helps calm reactivity. Ninety seconds is all it takes for the fight/flight/freeze area of the brain to catch up with the rational part. If someone says a mean or hurtful comment, pause and slow down. Silence speaks volumes.

Most people unintentionally harm others because of their own unhealed emotional wounds. Be open to understand how you may have unintentionally triggered such comments. Slowing down helps figure that out. Journal writing later is helpful to process hurtful situations.

• Smile

Our brains have mirror neurons that aid our social connections. When we interact with another, we mirror their gestures, tone, body posture, and behaviors. And they mirror us. We smile back when they smile at us. A smile has the power to disarm another’s frown.

Some of us were born smiling while others naturally have hard faces. A person who looks grumpy might really be concentrating. Be aware of how your face appears to others. Practice smiling around those who frown. See if their frown softens with your smile.

• Embrace change

We are meant to grow and change throughout our lives. People, relationships, and circumstances are changing continually. Welcome the reality that things will never be the same. They’re not suppose to be. It’s part of our humanity to grieve the loss of a loved one and celebrate the birth of new life. Take time for thorough grief and allow newness, change, and growth.

• Realized what is and isn’t yours to own

Do you find yourself fighting another person’s emotional battles? Do you feel their loneliness, anxiety, or uncomfortableness? Do they solicit your empathy and expect you to feel sorry for them? Do they take on the victim role?

Your emotions are yours alone. All of us are responsible for our own resilience, emotions, and decisions. Refuse to be “savior” to another who plays the victim. Some are masters at bringing attention to themselves expecting others to feel sorry for them.

• Stay in the present moment

This could be the single most empowering advice for us all. Hyper focus on the unfinished business of the past or continuous worry of the future steals away the only time we have in the moment.

Imagine yourself standing still in the middle of a stream. You’re aware of the past like the water flowing toward you from upstream. You’re aware of the future like water flowing beyond you downstream. You feel the cool stream flow around you. Yet, you’re standing still in the present moment.

Meanings and Intensity

Screen time with the NFL on Thanksgiving day can be an easy avoidant strategy. A Turkey Run or time volunteering at a homeless shelter may be a solution for those in more difficult situations.

We all hold different meanings to our shared familiar history. Relationship patterns are predictable. Be intentional to practice the five ways to overcome Thanksgiving blues. Practice daily as you breathe deeply, smile, change, let go of others’ battles, and live in the present moment.

Questions to Ponder

Which of these five ways are most helpful to you?

What ideas can you add to the list?