. . . And How to Avoid Them

# 5 Attitude of Being the Victim

Years ago, getting my four children up and ready for school was a daily stressor. Sleeping until the last minute added to the pressure and chaos. In some cases I pulled out a bag of frozen marbles from the freezer. On the count of three, those marbles were released in the warm comfortable beds of my young ones along with a jolt of adrenaline and anger. It got them up! At least we got moving.

More often than not, we’d rush out of the house forgetting something. It wasn’t unusual to  get a call, “Mom, I forgot my lunch” or “I need you to bring my homework.”

Motivated by self blame and guilt for my impatience, the family fell into familiar relationship patterns. I took them their lunches, or their forgotten homework.

I eventually forgave myself for being an imperfect parent. I grew out of guilt-ridden motivation to cover for them. Since those days they’ve all grown to be responsible adults with children of their own. The “Mom-I-forgot-my-lunch” mentality has long passed from our relationships.

“Guilty-parent” Role Breeds Victim Attitudes 

Some don’t grow out of this relationship template with their children. Over-giving to one’s offspring to compensate for guilt breeds victim attitudes. They become familiar patterns affecting future relationships.

Those with victim attitudes are attracted to partners who are overly empathic and have difficulty saying, “no.” They seek out others who will take the blame and cover for them. In a marriage, one takes the role of “guilty parent” while the other personifies the victim role. Taken to an extreme, the victim mentality contributes to destroying the relationship.

Those caught up in the victim mentality have difficulty seeing their personal need for self growth. They continue to blame others for their own forgetfulness, misfortunes, or poor judgement. The relationship keeps the victim from facing reality. It keeps the overly sensitive partner in a state of self-blame. Common accusatory phrases sound like:

• “It’s all your fault”
• “You make me so mad.”
• “If it were’t for you, I’d . . . “
• “You’ve ruined my life.”

Grow Toward Honoring Resiliency of Others

God designed for us all to grow beyond our adolescent ways of thinking and relating. We are each responsible for our own decisions, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Beyond normal child-rearing stages of life, none of us are designed to take on obligations that rightfully belong to the other.

In my years of mothering four children, I’m learning to trust in their resiliency and growth. We are designed for struggle and facing our own consequences as adults. Neither we, nor our children, nor our spouses are perfect. Embracing our imperfections as a gift from God sets the stage for acceptance, love, forgiveness, and responsibility.

I’m reminded of I Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

As a review, we’ve covered five attitude traps that contribute to destroying relationships:

Overview

1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
4. Attitude of control – replace with otherness
5. Attitude of being the victim – replace with responsibility

Questions to Ponder

1. Do I recognize the guilty-parent pattern in my adult relationships?
2. Am I quick to hold grudges rather than face consequences and learning opportunities?
3. What step am I willing to take for nurturing my current relationships?